After coming home from my trip to see my dad, I had to try to focus on starting school. I had an open house to do, professional development days, and the first day of school to plan for. It was really hard, but somehow I did it.
During this whole time, I was on the phone a lot. Since I am the trustee, I am the one that had to make all the decisions. I was also closest to my dad, so when he got stubborn, I had to try to convince him to listen to the doctors. It worked with some things, but not others. He checked himself out of the hospital over the weekend, because he wanted to be at home for a final time before chemo started. Since none of us were down there, he would have to stay in the hospital or a nursing home during chemo since he would need around the clock help.
On the 2nd day of school, I got a devastating phone call. While at home, my dad tried to drink pepsi and eat popsicles in hopes of proving the nurses wrong about not being able to swallow. What he didn't know is that all the pepsi and popsicles went into his lungs and gave him pneumonia. This made it so he couldn't breathe and he nearly died at home. Luckily a friend came to check on him and rushed him to the hospital where they intubated him to save his life. But, my dad was REALLY sick. So sick that the doctors didn't know if he'd make it through the night, so they called me and said, "Get down here if you want to say goodbye!"
How could I leave my students after only 2 days of school, but how could I not go! So, I made the agonizing, but right, decision to get a sub and miss the next two days of school to go down and see my dad. When we got there, he looked the same as the last trip, but the doctors told us he was not. His kidneys were shutting down (from the cancer), his pneumonia wasn't getting better, and his esophagus/stomach weren't working. The doctor said that anytime there are more than two organs failing, it was a very low chance that they can recover. It was possible, but very unlikely.
We went home and prayed, A LOT, and pondered on what the next step was. We felt ver strongly that it had to be my dad's decision, not ours. So we asked the nurse to cut back on the medicine that kept him sedated so he could come to and communicate. It worked. When he came to, the first thing he asked in writing (because he couldn't talk with the breathing tube in) was, "Where am I?" "Why am I here?" Then told us he wanted to go home. We will never know if this was a religious want to go home, or just wanting to go to his house. When we told him that he couldn't go home, he was too sick he started crying.
He then asked to write again and wrote, "Let............me............die" Those are the most painful words I've ever seen in my life. We all wept. That was the last thing that I wanted, but just a little while before, we had all agreed that it needed to be my dad's decision. He knew his body and knew the gravity of his situation. I'm sure he could feel his body shutting down and dying.
My dad was always so full of life. He was always active, funny, silly, and wonderful. He always told us that he didn't just want to waste away in a hospital. I wanted him to stay and fight, but I was also realistic. His organs were shutting down from the cancer and pneumonia. On the last trip, they gave him one 1/2 dose of chemotherapy and it wiped out all his blood cells so that he had to have a blood transfusion. The reality was that his body couldn't handle the chemotherapy that he needed to save his life, and without this, there was 0% chance of him surviving. It was a huge catch 22. He had to get healthier to start the chemo, but even if he did, the chemo would probably kill him.
We had a family meeting (because by now all my siblings were here) and decided that we all had to be sure. My dad had to be sure. I was chosen as the one to go talk to my dad and lay out these options so he knew all the facts before the final decision was made. I went in and gently laid out the options to him. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life.
My dad knew. He knew his body. He knew. He was sure. He wanted to die gracefully. Not hooked up to every machine. We made triple sure he was sure and then made the agonizing decision to take him off the breathing tube. We each went in individually to say our goodbyes. I never wanted mine to end. I wished I could have had another 1000 years, but I couldn't.
We didn't know what to expect after we took it out. We didn't know if he'd go right away or if he'd rally and have a miracle happen. After a little bit, it was clear that he wasn't going to rally, but death wasn't instant either. The hospital moved him up to another floor where they put him on what's called comfort care. They put on beautiful music and bright lights behind him and peacefully let him die. It was really beautiful and respectful. The nurse asked him if he was afraid to die and he said no. He then asked him if he had had a good life and responding with his last words on this earth he said, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" He soon became unresponsive and his breathing got less and less. We each got to go in again and tell him it was okay for him to go. That we loved him so very much, but that it was okay for him to go be with his mom.
On early Monday morning, August 25, his life was completed and he passed away peacefully. I know there was a joyous reunion in heaven that day.
My dad was way too young to die, 66. He had so much more life to live, but through his own choices and the terrible C word, cancer, it was his time. The last few months have been really dark for me. I can't even describe how much I miss him and how sad I am. I know eventually this pain will lessen...at least I hope it does. One of the only things that makes this easier is remembering all the wonderful times I got to have with him over all these years. I know how deeply he loved me and how hard it was to say goodbye.
I love you so much dad!!! I would do anything to have you back, but I know I'll see you again someday! You are my wonderful dad and grandpa and I am your little Sarsy Beffers! Love you forever, dad! You will always be in my heart, until we meet again! Until we meet again!!
